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The lottery numbers for Saturday 23rd January 1999 were 01, 08,
10, 17, 32, 47 and the bonus number was 02.
A man walks into a chemist and says to the bloke behind the
counter, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've
never had three girls at once, and I need something to keep me
horny... keep me potent."
The bloke reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer
and takes out a small cardboard box marked with the label "Viagra
Extra Strength" and says,
"Here, if you take this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The man says, "Gimmie 3 boxes."
The next day the man walks into the same chemist, right up to the
same bloke and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in
horror as he notices the man's willy is black and blue, and the
skin is hanging off in some places.
The man says, "Gimmie a tube of Deap Heat."
The bloke replies,
"DEEP HEAT???" You're not going to put Deep Heat on that are
The man says, "No, it's for my arms. The girls didn't show up."
My wife uses fabric softner. I never knew what that stuff was
for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff)
'Married!' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory!
You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh
scent out of your clothes.
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws
up all over himself. He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill
me". His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty pound
note in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw
up on you and gave you twenty quid for the dry cleaning bil".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over
yourself, my god you're disgusting" etc, etc.
Speaking very carefully so as to not slur, he says, "Wait. It's
not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick
on me, he'd obviously had too many, or else he just couldn't hold
his beer. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty pounds for the
cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He shat in my trousers too".
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving all over
the road. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need
you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that.
I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a
"I can't do that either, I'm a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll
bleed to death."
"Well then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a
diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk!"
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to
the bedroom and found his wife with the sheet pulled over her
head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the horny husband crawled
under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, as
he hurried downstairs for something to eat, he was startled to
find breakfeast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. "How'd
you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making
love!" "Oh my God, "his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there!
She came over early and had complained of having a headache. I
told her to lie down for a while." Rushing upstairs, the wife ran
to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why
didn't you say something?" The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't
spoken to that jerk for fifteen years and I wasn't about to start
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